Toxic - The Saga Begins

So is the time to try this again.
Before I talk about my personal experience with T.A., I wanted to do a brief review of the first (that is right, first: Meaning there is more than one) movie that started it all. 

The beginning of the movie starts with a warning that "The Toxic Avenger" Contains scenes of extreme violence and an intro showing New York, pollution, and a health club with Carrot Top as a janitor.  Nah, just kidding, Carrot Top looks a lot better than this guy.  The Narrator explains that this janitor is Melvin Ferd, a 98 pound weakling (of course!) who just can't fit in with anybody... because he is an annoying ass hat (but more on that later).
We see the opening credits go through the gym with mostly focusing on boobs and crotches (it was the 80's) as well as some stereotypes that we all know about; like the over hyped muscle junkie who looks like he took to much crack, the fat mayor getting massaged while eating, and many more like the fat girl eating chocolate while exercising.
We see two couples in the hot tub watching Melvin being an idiot and they pick on him when they get the chance.  And... Bozo?!  The hyped up manic is named Bozo?!?!
 FAT!!!

This is a comedy, right?  I thought it was a horror movie.  Wait, it's both?  Oh, that's OK then.

We get a sex scene with some murder exposition... wait what?  I'll skip the part about Melvin walking in and watching but what about the murder exposition?  Apparently the couple have been hit and crush drivers who had been killing on purpose around town.  We even get to see a brutal scene of them killing a young boy on a bike... and then running over him again... and then taking photos of it.

Yeah, so these are the villains.  Lame 80 punks.  Who you think the villains would be in a movie like this?  A samurai with a fetish for blades?  Polluting terrorists?  The Devil?  Wait... I'm getting ahead of myself.

Well, out of more boredom, they decided to pull a trick on the dumb ass Melvin and use some blond tease to make him wear a hideous pink and green spotted tutu (which he wears with flare and groove) and then pull the "kissing an farm animal in the dark" trick with everyone in the gym seeing. He is chased around the health club by other customers and he jumps out a second story window (and turning briefly into a blond stunt double) to score a three pointer in a barrel.
He lands in a drum of toxic waste which reminds me of bubbling rock candy, and immediately causes severe burns and disfigurement while everyone stands around to point and laugh... except for the policeman who has his hands set on fire.  Despite the burning chemicals even causing him to burst into flames (which is still one of my favorite scenes with Night on Bald Mountain playing as he runs and falls), Melvin survives, and stumbles home. Drawing a bath to try and scrub some of the chemical residue from his horribly scarred flesh, Melvin begins his transformation into a hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength. 
I'll tell you in advance to be ready for the "hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength" wording, cause that will be a running gag later. 
We get to see a cool skin moving and adjusting effect, and then we see the the lame revealing of the Toxic Avenger in his buff distinguishing form... except for his face which you can't see... but if you have ever bought the movie or have seen the poster, then you know what his face looks like.  Oh well...

No Pissing
Tues.Thurs.Sat.
8am-11:30pm.

A group of drug dealers (and one ugly man in a dress), led by the criminal Cigar Face aka "Cheech", are harassing a police officer by the name of O'Clancy, trying to buy him off. When he refuses to accept the money, Cigar Face and his gang attack and brutalize him. Then, just as they prepare to shoot Officer O'Clancy in the balls, the Avenger comes out of nowhere and violently kills the criminals (in some of the funniest ways possible, like if the Three Stooges damage to each other were real "nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!","woo-woo-woo!"), then leaves a mop on their faces as a call sign (Cigar Face survives, but has had his testicles smashed by Melvin... if you call that surviving) O'Clancy is initially terrified of the creature but soon learns he was only trying to help him as the creature approaches him and politely apologizes (in a smooth awesome voice over that makes me laugh every time I think about it) for his behavior as he has "never done this sort of thing before".

Well if he has never done this before... I would have let him go also if a voice like that told me. 

Melvin (or Toxie as he is later known) is dubbed the "Monster Hero". He tries to return home but his mother is terrified of him and will not let him in the house (like most teenagers).  He goes to the toxic junkyard and makes house that would be fit for many people I know.
"Here we see the natural 'Toxicus Mutantious' in his natural habitat, making a nest for him to sleep and eventually mate in.  Goodnight, Toxie, sweet dreams till the morning."


Elsewhere in Tromaville, a gang of three men are holding up a Mexican restaurant (which has to be one of the worst one's I have seen... but it is New Jersey). The men kill one of the patrons, and attack a blind woman named Sarah. They kill her guide dog (Boomer didn't survive, even though we see him breathing later) and attempt to rape her, but are stopped by Toxie.
This next scene is one of the most brutal and horrible fight scenes that I have ever seen in my life.
You know, for kids!
He wreaks bloody vengeance on the men, including but not limiting to: ripping an arm off and beating him with it, being stuffed in an oven, having ones hands and wrists plunged into a deep-fryer, and one being covered in whipped cream (and a cherry) before having a milkshake-stirrer rammed into his throat.


Toxie takes Sarah back to her home, where they begin to get to know one another (after she hits him in the nuts on accident a few times), and progressively fall in love.  I think he found a mate!
But enough about romance, let's see Toxie return to the Health Club and kill a drug dealer by crushing his face with a weight lifting machine.  Also frying the ass of that hot girl who masturbates to photos of the hit and run victims.  And here we finally see the face of the Toxic Avenger... and he looks alot better than what Melvin looked like.
After all that work, Toxie relieves himself of green slime from a hose (I would say piss but that looks nothing like) in a back alley when a limo pulls up and a pimp tries to push a 12-year-old (Bullshit!) girl onto him.
If he impales the pimp with his cock, this may be my new favorite movie.
When he starts to fight back to save the girl, a group of men come out of the limo; he fights them all off and saves the girl. We see a montage of Toxie building up a friendly reputation in Tromaville by doing all sorts of "superhero" work, from saving two younger boys from Bozo's group, open a jar of popcorn seeds, and even helping the elderly to cross the street.
Meanwhile, Mayor "FatAss" Belgoody is becoming more and more aware about what is happening to his goons, as not only are they being killed one-by-one by the Monster Hero, but some of them are also turning themselves in for their own safety. He is now worried that their deaths will lead up to him sooner than he expects and wants the Monster Hero to be taken care of... 
One night, Cigar Face returns (covered in bandages and casts) and brings along a new group of Belgoody's goons to surround the Monster with guns. Before they fire on him he jumps up to a fire escape (via Super Mario Jump), and they end up shooting and killing each other.
Toxie returns to the health club again and attacks the blond tease Julie with the power of Movie Monsters (that no matter how slow he walks, he will always catch up to the prey (on another note, I just realized that he has all the powers of Jason but with the ability to talk) and finishes her off with... scissors?  I mean, after all that... scissors?

I feel disappointed.

Soon afterwards, he confronts the last of his tormentors, Bozo and Slug (I still shake my head at those names), whom have attacked an old woman (seriously, I saw them punch her) and stolen her car. Bozo and Slug try to run him over, but Toxie jumps on top of the car (good thing Japanese imports have hand holders on top) and grabs Slug, crushing his neck and throwing him out of the moving car. Toxie then confronts Bozo, grabbing him by the face and terrifies him by revealing himself as Melvin from the accident to a horrified Bozo. After several accidents that occur because of Bozo's driving, Toxie tears off the wheel to the car (like I do when I get mad at Matt) causing Bozo to drive off the side of a cliff. The car crashes and bursts into flames, burning Bozo alive but unaffecting Toxie.

Just a normal day for him, you know. Shake it off.

Then we see a weird scene.  I know, after all that I now say that.
We see this old woman at the dry cleaners talking about her kids when Toxie comes in and brutally kills her with laundry (well more of drying and steaming her also, but...).
"No ticky, no washy!"

Toxie wanders back to his junkyard home, revealing his true identity to Sarah (the fact that he is a mutant monster, not a 98 pound ugly freaky nerd) and feeling terrified and guilty for what he has become. Sarah however tells Melvin that she still loves him no matter what he looks like and the two decide to move away from the city and take a tent into nearby woods.

However, Mayor FatAss Belgoody finds out about the Monster Hero's "mishap" (it is revealed that she is in fact a leader of an underground white slave trade) and uses this opportunity to call in the National Guard in hopes of finally killing him. Soon Sarah and Toxie are discovered in the woods and now surrounded by both the National Guard and the townspeople. The Mayor comes, intent on killing him (whereas the National Guard's request was originally for capture) but thanks to the Toxie's kind duties to the town, the people of Tromaville will have none of it. The Mayor's evil ways are exposed after he threatens to kill O'Clancy for trying to take his gun away from him, and Toxie proceeds to rip out Belgoody's organs to see if he has "any guts".

Yea!!! Everybody cheer for disembowlment in front of the children.  You know, for kids!

The film ends with the townspeople's celebration at the Monster's acceptance and a reassuring epilogue that wherever evil brews in Tromaville, Melvin the Monster Hero, now dubbed the "Toxic Avenger," will be there to protect the town.


Final Verdict -
This is one of my favorite horror comedies ever.  It is so bad and 80's that I laugh almost every time I watch it.  I recommend this to anyone who had loved any of the nature shows or just gets a kick out of bad movies.
I mean, as bad and violent as it is and as much as I joke about it, no one in there right mind would make this into a children's cartoon series?
Wait... WHAT!?